The word cancer has an intense charge to it. I know that whenever I hear the word, I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It means many different things to many different people and everyone is impacted by it in some way or another. Growing up, I knew of good friends who had parents who battled cancer, I had extended family members that battled different forms, but it had not changed my life directly, yet. Fast forward to September 1st, 2017, the day the word cancer had a whole new meaning to my family and I. My beautiful three-year-old niece was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, a cancer that starts in the lymphoid line of blood cells within the bone marrow. That day will forever be etched in my mind. I remember trying to hold it together entertaining my niece, while my sister and her husband met with a team of oncologists for over two hours. I knew it was not going to be good news. Seeing the look on my sister’s face as she came back in the room, I knew. As I was overcome with fear, my sister pulled me into the hallway to tell me the diagnosis and it felt like our world had been completely flipped upside down. Hearing those words that my favourite little human has blood cancer, was a moment that I will never forget. A real-life nightmare had come true for our family and we were about to embark on a roller coaster of a journey that millions of people go through on the daily. This is our story, and when I think about how many of these stories exist out there, my heart aches. I cannot understand what it would be like to be the one battling cancer, but I can speak to what it is like to support someone and a family going through treatment. It is an up and down battle watching someone you care about so deeply go through so much, and often we do not know what we can do to support. Over a year later since my niece’s diagnosis, I felt inspired to create a list of some tips from my direct experience and from talking with other family members and friends who are supporting loved ones go through cancer treatment. This is by no means a complete list, but I hope that these tips will be of use to anyone supporting a loved one affected by cancer. Ultimately, from my experience, I have learned that it is best to just do something. Don’t just say: “let me know if I can do anything” because the person will likely have a hard time asking. The one’s who just show up, text, support, donate blood, drop off gifts and food, etc. make a huge difference and are deeply appreciated.
1.) Keep communication open – face this together. Cancer can be very scary and sometimes people do not know what to say or do, so they do not say anything at all because they are scared or fearful of saying the “wrong thing”. This can create distance and can make the ones ‘in it’ feel very isolated. Try to put your own fears aside and let your friend or loved one know that you are thinking of them. It will go a long way.
2.) Self-care. When you are supporting someone who has cancer, it is very important that you are taking care of yourself too. If you are practicing self-care, you will be able to be more present, patient and will have a greater capacity to deal with the ups and downs. When you can fill your own cup up, you will have more to give. Suggestions: walks in nature, exercise, relaxing baths, massages, therapy, etc.
3.) Food delivery. Dropping off dinner, pre-cooked meals, or groceries can go a long way and is very helpful on the chemo days or long hospital stays.
4.) Donate blood. At the beginning of my niece’s treatment, she had to have several blood and plasma transfusions and there are many, many other people with cancer who require transfusions as a part of their treatment. It is a great way to show support and can save a life!
5.) Spend quality time and treat them how you normally would. Spend time with your loved one that is going through treatment. Treat them how you normally would. Still fill them in on what is going on in your life and include them in the ‘normalcy’ as much as possible.
6.) Laughter. Create moments of laughter and joy with your loved one. Laughter is powerful medicine and it will help to lift the dark moments.
7.) Help with tasks around the house. Help with doing the simple tasks around the house that take a lot of energy like doing dishes, laundry or tidying up.
8.) Go to treatment with them. If they do not have someone to go to treatment with them, offer to drive them and be with them during the treatment if possible. Treatment is less traumatic when a loved one is there, supporting and providing a loving presence.
9.) Listen. Allow them to share how they are feeling with you, and just listen. Don’t try to fix any of it or make any of it better, just listen and allow them to feel seen and heard.
10.) Get your own support. Seek counseling, somatic therapy and get lots of support for yourself. Being in the supporting role can bring up a lot of emotions and activation in the nervous system, it is important to take care of you too.
11.) Do not forget. There is usually a lot of support in the beginning. However, it is a long journey for some and the people who continue to check in from time to time really help to keep them feeling supported along the way.